Day 73

Photo by Fauto Digit on Flickr

Juices in order of consumption
1 quart spinach, orange, celery

1 shot flax, evening primrose oil

1 quart romaine, celery, tomato, carrot, garlic, onion, kelp, spirulina

1 quart romaine, celery, goji berry, mango, pineapple

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today ??

Sleep
6.5 hours

Supplements
MSM
Probiotic
B5 morning and evening
Enzymes with each juice

Exercise
1 hour Pilate's class

Physically
I am a bit tired today. My stomach feels good and other than that I am good.

Emotionally
Pilate's class was rough for me today. I just couldn't do it. I kept having to stop and rest and I was feeling like a failure. I caught myself and kept trying to boost myself up with positive self talk and being gentle with myself but I just wasn't having it. I had to choke back the tears several times.

When I got home I decided that I was not going to stuff whatever it was that was coming up so I decided to do a brief belief change to clear it out. Midway through it was painfully evident that I was in need of more than just a belief change so I stopped the audio and had a full out process. I was a bit all over the place, doing this and doing that but the results were amazing.

I realized that it was more than just the fact that I felt like a loser and a failure. It was that I was afraid to LOOK like a loser and a failure. I had this fear of it. I addressed the fear with my old friend, "what's the worst that could happen..." and I found myself cycling. I would get to the point where I was feeling confident and then something would come up and I would be back down in fear and failure. It became quite evident that this was a blaring pattern in my life.

Whenever I am just about to succeed at something, I quit or I change gears or whatever. I never see it through. I had this fear of success but it was more than that. I had this deep, inner belief that I wasn't good enough and I didn't deserve success. My dad popped up during this revelation so I did some work to clear out my negative beliefs and I installed a new, positive belief, "I can succeed at anything!." I cut any negative ties to my dad surrounding this issue, had complete forgiveness of my dad, and I forgave myself for blaming him for holding me back.

Once all this was complete I was able to complete the process I started out with and as usual I was left with a sense of peace and appreciation. It always amazes me when I do these processes that the strength of emotion that comes up can be so strong and I can be left feeling as if I have been washed clean.

That isn't to say this will be the only process I have regarding this issue. It may come up for me again from a bit of a different perspective. The cool thing is that I was able to reveal a major negative pattern that has been keeping me stuck and keeping me sabotaging myself.

Cravings
None - I am not having cravings per se. I am just wanting to eat food. I am tiring of juice a bit. I was telling Lisa that I catch myself singing, "I hate green juice in the morning..." sometimes. I know, it's not good but what can I say, it's true. I am not going to stop with just 19 days left, in fact I still don't have prunes in the house. I almost bought them the other day but then I decided I would wait.

Ramblings
There is nothing else to ramble about tonight. I am just going to go to sleep. Sometimes those big emotional releases can be tiring. Goodnight everyone.