Self Sabotage

Photo by Formfactor on Flickr

I created an audio post for today. It is ten minutes long and talks about self sabotage. You can access it in my green Utterz Player on the right side of the page. I am really looking forward to getting your feedback on it.

Have a great day!

If you can't find the audio on the player to the right you can access it here.

Day 73

Photo by Fauto Digit on Flickr

Juices in order of consumption
1 quart spinach, orange, celery

1 shot flax, evening primrose oil

1 quart romaine, celery, tomato, carrot, garlic, onion, kelp, spirulina

1 quart romaine, celery, goji berry, mango, pineapple

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today ??

Sleep
6.5 hours

Supplements
MSM
Probiotic
B5 morning and evening
Enzymes with each juice

Exercise
1 hour Pilate's class

Physically
I am a bit tired today. My stomach feels good and other than that I am good.

Emotionally
Pilate's class was rough for me today. I just couldn't do it. I kept having to stop and rest and I was feeling like a failure. I caught myself and kept trying to boost myself up with positive self talk and being gentle with myself but I just wasn't having it. I had to choke back the tears several times.

When I got home I decided that I was not going to stuff whatever it was that was coming up so I decided to do a brief belief change to clear it out. Midway through it was painfully evident that I was in need of more than just a belief change so I stopped the audio and had a full out process. I was a bit all over the place, doing this and doing that but the results were amazing.

I realized that it was more than just the fact that I felt like a loser and a failure. It was that I was afraid to LOOK like a loser and a failure. I had this fear of it. I addressed the fear with my old friend, "what's the worst that could happen..." and I found myself cycling. I would get to the point where I was feeling confident and then something would come up and I would be back down in fear and failure. It became quite evident that this was a blaring pattern in my life.

Whenever I am just about to succeed at something, I quit or I change gears or whatever. I never see it through. I had this fear of success but it was more than that. I had this deep, inner belief that I wasn't good enough and I didn't deserve success. My dad popped up during this revelation so I did some work to clear out my negative beliefs and I installed a new, positive belief, "I can succeed at anything!." I cut any negative ties to my dad surrounding this issue, had complete forgiveness of my dad, and I forgave myself for blaming him for holding me back.

Once all this was complete I was able to complete the process I started out with and as usual I was left with a sense of peace and appreciation. It always amazes me when I do these processes that the strength of emotion that comes up can be so strong and I can be left feeling as if I have been washed clean.

That isn't to say this will be the only process I have regarding this issue. It may come up for me again from a bit of a different perspective. The cool thing is that I was able to reveal a major negative pattern that has been keeping me stuck and keeping me sabotaging myself.

Cravings
None - I am not having cravings per se. I am just wanting to eat food. I am tiring of juice a bit. I was telling Lisa that I catch myself singing, "I hate green juice in the morning..." sometimes. I know, it's not good but what can I say, it's true. I am not going to stop with just 19 days left, in fact I still don't have prunes in the house. I almost bought them the other day but then I decided I would wait.

Ramblings
There is nothing else to ramble about tonight. I am just going to go to sleep. Sometimes those big emotional releases can be tiring. Goodnight everyone.

Day 58

It was the ugly bits and wobbly parts The flabbiness and broken heart that kept her from seeing her beauty. So much beauty.

Juices in order of consumption
Shot flax and evening primrose oil

1 quart spinach, orange, celery, coconut oil, spirulina

1 quart romaine, pineapple, mint, celery

1 quart leaf lettuce, tomato, celery, garlic, cilantro, kelp, chlorella

1 quart spinach, apple, celery



Weight
Starting 173.5
Today 145

Hmmm, I gained. The scale is going the wrong way ladies and gents. Oh well, it's about to be that time of the month again! Time flies.

Sleep
8.5 hours

Supplements
Probiotic
Chanca Piedra
B12
B5 morning and evening
Enzymes with each juice
Colon Cleanse

Exercise
None-See ramblings

Physically
I had a little bloating and gas today. Nothing horrible. I am not nearly as sore as I was last week when I went to yoga. Yeah baby!

Positive changes
Skin smooth
Losing weight - I fit into my skinny jeans. They are a bit tight but who cares, they fit. I wore them all day.
I think my nails might be getting a bit stronger

Detox
Coated tongue
Red bumps legs
Bumps on arms

Emotionally
It was a wonderful day. I felt so good. The sun was shining even though it was still too cold for me to be out too long. Just having the sun out there feels nice.

Cravings
None

Meditation
I did a Journey today and then spent some time in meditation afterwards.

Ramblings
So I was planning on going to the health club to work out on the machines since they didn't have a class I could take. I got myself ready to go and then I was overcome with this really sick feeling in my stomach. It was like I couldn't do it. I couldn't go. Exercising has been something I have struggled with since junior high. As soon as I entered high school I pretty much gave up on any kind of physical activity. It is an unusual sight to see me running or sweating.

My younger kids were gone for the day and the older ones were locked up in their room playing some kind of electronic device so I decided to lock myself in my bathroom and see if I could sit in this dreaded feeling I was getting. To understand it and to welcome it.

It ended up turning into a Journey process and a very productive one. I cleared out so much stuff, only some of it related to exercise. It's funny that I talked about my dad last night because I processed him today. He was very athletic and taught me how to play basketball when I was very young. He was (and still is) very competitive and he taught me well. I was good. I was the captain of the basketball team in junior high.

When I went to high school I tried out for the basketball team and made it. I was the only one of my friends and I didn't know anyone on the team so I quit and told my dad I didn't make it. That was the last athletic thing I have done.

My journey took me back to that time and to the worthlessness and fear I felt. I had a tough dialog with my dad. It was amazing because in the midst of it I had a complete breakdown. This was also the time that my parents got divorced and my dad moved out of the house. The day it happened was very traumatic for me and I was begging my dad not to leave. During the Journey I was transported back to that time and was begging and pleading him to stay, telling him I would be good, anything if he would stay.

Through the tools I learned I was able to understand it and forgive from that age(this is very important). It was quite powerful I have to say. It didn't end there. I next went on to talk to the part of myself that kept me from being physical. I was mad and couldn't understand what good it was doing me by keeping me sedentary, unhealthy and fat. I was able to get a full understanding of what that part was protecting me from, the horrible feelings I had back then and didn't know how to deal with. I was able to forgive and clear. I hope this makes sense. I am trying to give a brief overview without going into too much detail.

When I finished up I was elated and light. I know I did some heavy duty cellular clearing and it felt good...long overdue. The energy that was running through me was wonderful.

The picture I posted today was done by a woman named Kal Barteski from Love Life. I think it is beautiful and the words that I have put underneath are the words that she wrote on the piece. Amazingly put and so poignant for so many of us struggling with our body image.

I have noticed that as I go along on this juice feast I have a better body image. I hold myself differently. I stand a little straighter I suck my stomach in a bit more. When I look at myself in the mirror and I see the excess that is on me, especially my stomach I smile. I thank it for being there and then I tell it it is free to go now. I am strong enough to deal with whatever it was protecting me from, buffering me from. There is no way in hell I would have or could have done that just 2 short months ago. The changes have been phenomenal and because they have been so gradual they have gone unnoticed, unappreciated. Not today!

Day 39

Photo by Denis Collette on Flickr

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
1 quart Boston lettuce, pear, celery, mint

1 quart romaine, celery, garlic, cilantro, carrot, red pepper

1 quart romaine, celery, pear, mint

1 quart romaine, red pepper, carrot, lime, cilantro

Can you believe it?! I got in all 4 quarts. I feel like I should be getting some kind of an award. I just want to thank my family and all the people who have supported me. ;o)

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today ???

Sleep
7 hours

Supplements
Probiotic
Chanca Piedra
B12
zinc
B5 morning and evening
Enzymes with each juice
Colon Cleanse

Exercise
5 min. on the rebounder

I have to make an effort to exercise during the day now because my nights are getting busier and I often can't find the time at night.

Physically
I felt pretty good for most of the day. I started to get some gas and heartburn as the night wore on but its not horrible.

Positive changes
Smooth skin
Weight loss

Detox
Coated tongue

Mucus in throat

Red bumps on upper legs

Emotionally
Today was a good day as far as emotions. I was able to let a lot of emotion go today during my journey process which I will talk about more below.

Cravings
I am craving food. Just food. These cravings the last couple of days are different than the ones I had before. I can't quite explain it but I will try. In the first days I didn't really have any cravings. Then I started having these cravings for something to fill me up, to comfort me. I was craving heavy foods like Italian food. Then I was craving the food as a treat, something to make me feel special (this happened when I was on vacation).

Now I am simply craving food. There doesn't seem to be an emotion behind it. I keep listening for it and I haven't found it yet. I find myself looking at pictures of raw food and dreaming about what I am going to be eating when I finish my feast. Russell's blog is KILLING ME!!! Warning, don't go there if you are juice feasting unless you are ready to be tempted by the most delectable looking photographs of food!!! I am thinking about salads, fruit, nori rolls and exotic dishes. I am also craving fish with tons of veggies.

I was happy to see that Juicy Ben is also partaking in the food porn on the web. He has been surfing and looking at recipes and drooling just like me. He has some pictures of peppers that may make the ladies out there blush.

Trash Bag Tango
Cleaned my desk TWICE. I cleaned it and hubby came in and then I had to clean it again.

Meditation
Did a Journey Process today - more below

Rested in the sun 20 min. - more below

I pulled the Joy Journey card:

Joy is in you, all around you, everywhere. Have you been seeking, striving to get a taste of joy through ceaseless activity, through others, through jobs- constantly hoping to get the next morsel? Stop. Your frantic searching puts joy at a distance, always out of reach. Just bring your awareness to this moment. As you're looking at this card, notice how it looks, how it feels in your hand, its beauty, its weight. Then notice the sounds around you. Let yourself become fully present to this very moment.

A natural flow of joy is waiting here. Previously you've overlooked it. When you rest in just this moment, a quiet flow of joy bubbles up from within. You are the joy that you are seeking.

Ramblings
Ever since my huge process at the Journey Intensive last weekend I have been feeling a bit out of sorts, like there was some unfinished business. I decided to spend my free time this morning doing a Journey process.

It was quite powerful and finished up what came up for me over the weekend. It was so huge and exhausting over the weekend that I guess I just didn't complete it. Well I did it today. I felt so good, so light. I was laughing out loud through tears. I am so grateful.

I did a physical journey which allows you to go into your body and find a cellular memory that is stored in a particular area. It is amazing how this process works. They do it with small children and when they finish up they draw before and after pictures of that part of the body. I remember this story about this little girl who went into her ear. When she finished up and drew her picture there was a doctor there who saw the picture and said that it was drawn perfectly and correctly as if in a medical book. He was blown away and I was too.

Anyway, I found myself somewhere in my digestive system; small intestine or colon. It wasn't pretty in there and there were lots of moving creatures that didn't look good or feel very good. After I got my memory and cleared it out I went back and could see the creepy crawlies dying off and being released. It felt so good!

It got me thinking about my candida. I know I have this and keep skirting around the issue. I have decided that I am going to have to meet this head on. I read the info that was on the juice feasting site regarding it and I once again looked into getting threelac. I was going to do this last year and never did it. I am going to talk to my husband to see if we have the money for me to start this up ASAP.

I know I can't truly heal without clearing out the candida that has been living in my body for so many years.

After my process I went up to take a shower. I usually do this earlier in the morning but today it was about 10:00am. After I got out of the shower I noticed that the sun was shining and because I have a southern exposure the sun was coming in my window. I opened up the blinds and tilted them down so no one could see in and the sun would shine on the ground. I put my towel on the floor and began to sunbathe in the nude right there on my bathroom floor. The sun felt so good warming up my whole body. It transported me back to Hawaii where my husband and I spent a week exactly one year ago.

I spent about 20 minutes lying there in the sun and feeling such joy, gratitude and love. Mmmm, it was delicious! Who needs warm weather?

Have a great night everyone!

Kirtana

I purchased this CD of Kirtana at the Journey Intensive. I heard some of the songs last year before the CD was released and I really loved them. You can hear samples of the songs at the website.

I decided to post the lyrics of one of my favorite songs because it goes so well with what I have been learning and experiencing in Eckhart Tolle's Book and in The Journey.

Just because the tracks are laid...
or just because your ticket's paid for...
and some crazed conductor keeps on calling out your name,
you don't need to board the train.
No, you don't need to board the train.

Trains of thought will come and go,
but you are not your thoughts, you know -
so why get all caught up in where they lead?

You are who these thoughts are passing through - don't you see.
You are who these thoughts are passing through.
Be free. Be free.

Even when you're feeling frightened,
sad or hurt or unenlightened,
you can find a peace that underlies what passes by.
Don't mistake the weather for the sky (of your being)
Why mistake the weather for the sky?

Feelings rise then fall away -
even those you wish would stay,
so why equate your sense of self with mood?
You are who emotion passes through - don't you see.
You are who emotion passes through.
Be free. Be free.

What a blessing to have taken birth in this human form -
with the chance to see that who we are was really never born,
can never die, is always free.

If Destiny decides to strike some version of the script you like
And make a melodrama of your endless cabaret,
you know you can still enjoy the play (yes you can) -
if you're still and you know how to play.

Just treat it like a mystery and view it from the balcony.
Laugh and cry and stomp your feet,
but don't believe a thing.
You are who these scenes are passing through - don't you see.
You are who this play is passing through.
Be free. Be free.

Here is Kirtana's biography as listed on her website:

Born and raised in a small coastal town in Maine, Kirtana has played the guitar and written songs since the tender age of eleven. For the last twenty years she has lived on the central coast of California, drawing constant nourishment and inspiration from the beauty and energy of the area.

A long time student of spirituality and meditation, Kirtana's music early on reflected themes of personal transformation, healing and a growing self-awareness. As might be expected, her albums sequentially chart her spiritual evolution as her attention shifted from personal healing, to concern and prayers for the planet, to the necessity for awakening to our true nature.

In 1997 she met her beloved teacher: Gangaji. The songs from her cd: 'This Embrace' reflect the love and self-recognition sparked by that life-altering encounter.Her fifth CD, 'A Deeper Surrender', has been described by one reviewer as "an exquisite paean to the ineffable longing for the Beloved" Her sixth and most recent cd, 'Falling Awake' continues the expression of that deepening.

In addition to her own concerts, she performs at New Thought Churches, satsangs, and Truth-centered conferences. Her music is distributed internationally and has been used by various spiritual teachers, noted authors, healers and seminar leaders at their meetings and workshops (including events with Gangaji, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Brandon Bays, etc.)

The usual category designation for such music is 'New Age Vocal'. But a more appropriate genre might be 'Music for Awakening' or 'Contemporary Sacred'. In Kirtana's own words the best description for both her music and her purpose in sharing it is to "celebrate divine love and the truth of who we are."

Day 12

Photo by Robokow on Flickr

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
Orange, Spinach
5 oranges, 1/2 lb spinach
yum!

Cucumber, Apple, Kale, Romaine, Ginger
1 cucumber, 1 apple, 3 kale leaves, 1 head romaine, 1 inch ginger
Good.

Pineapple, Spinach, Celery, Mint
1/2 small pineapple, 1/2 pound spinach, 1/2 head celery, handful mint
Ooooooh I looooove pineapple and mint. Delish!

Swiss Chard, celery, carrot, red pepper, garlic, green onion cilantro, hemp oil, kelp
2 stalks Swiss chard, 1/2 head celery, 4 oz carrots, 1/2 red pepper, 1 clove garlic, 1 green onion
Spicy! It was good though.

I am trying to figure out why this particular juice keeps separating. I have tried it without the carrot and without the tomato but I still find crunchy chunks in the bottom and have to throw it away. I will keep trying.

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today

Sleep
hours 7 hours

Exercise
Five Tibetans

Physically
I feel good. I woke up feeling groggy and fuzzy but it lifted and then I felt good.

Positive changes
Skin looks good
I smell like celery instead of B.O.
I look more vibrant
Thinking has cleared a bit

Detox
Coated tongue
Hands are dry
Mucus in throat
Clear, fluid filled bump is back on my lip
I'm freezing

Cravings
Oh baby, bring 'em on! I was hit with a big one today! I went grocery shopping today at my Italian grocery store and when I walked in the door I was overwhelmed with the smell of Italian food! Oh the horror of it! It is my absolute favorite food on the planet. I love Italian food!

I did pretty good while shopping and then I was in the check out line and I started wondering why I have this attachment to Italian food. I wasn't really clear on what I was thinking but it brought up a big surge of emotion in me and I almost started to cry right there in the line.

Emotionally
When I got home from shopping I sat down and did a Journey process. Finally after 12 days I got my Journey in. I focused on the lure of Italian food and I was shocked at the power of the emotion that came up.

I went back to a memory of when I was a child and this deep loneliness and sadness came up. I went through the entire process and emptied out all the feelings of unworthiness, loneliness, emptiness that I had with the people in the memory and I was able to forgive everyone completely, including myself.

When I went to free myself of the attachment to this food I was surprised that I couldn't do it. When I looked deeper I realized that I had a strong belief around this food. Here is what came out; This food is my love. Wow, so powerful. How could I give up something that is my love? Well, I did a quick belief change and replaced it with a new belief that I am my love. That did the trick and I was free.

I can't tell you how powerful this process can be. It has freed me of so much emotional baggage over the past 2 years and now it is helping release my addiction to food. It is simply amazing.

Trash Bag Tango
I cleaned out a drawer in my kitchen.

Meditation
15 minutes listening to the Moola Mantra

Ramblings
I realized this morning that I didn't have my son's reality store this week. It is next week. It's so funny because I have this huge dry erase board on my wall that I sectioned off into a weekly calendar. It has a spot for each person in the family for each day of the week. I am so good about keeping it up to date so that everyone knows what is going on. It is only as good as my calendar though. If I write the wrong date on the yearly calendar then I end up doing stuff like this. Hee hee. Oh well, no harm no foul.

My mom is coming tomorrow night to watch the kids so my husband and I can go out. It is so funny because we are both at a loss for what we should do. We can't go out to eat. I am not sure I am up to being in a movie theater with popcorn! One addiction at a time thank you very much. We can't go to a bar, it's freezing outside so we can't take a nice walk or anything. We really have no idea. Any suggestions?