The Sleeping Monster

Hi everyone,
Here is an audio update on where I am regarding my journey back to food. You can listen to it on my Utterz player on the right or you can find it here. I would love any feedback you have.

xoMichellexo

Day 22

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
1 quart spinach, orange celery

8 oz strawberry, orange

1 quart romaine, celery, cucumber, tomato, cilantro, garlic, onion, broccoli, hemp oil, kelp
Spicy, I put in extra garlic. Whew!

1 quart kale, celery, cucumber, pear, mint, spinach

1 quart romaine, celery, tomato, cucumber, orange pepper, turmeric, kelp

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today No scale

Sleep
9.5 hours

Exercise
80 minutes walking

Physically
I woke up feeling OK and felt better as the day went on . I had a lot of fun with the kids and my hubby. I had my first official normal sized bowel movement without an enema. I was so happy and thanked my body. I never thought I would thank my body for taking a sh*t. :o)

Positive changes
Skin on body is nice
Pants getting loose
Face is beginning to look better. I have more of a glow again.

Detox
Tongue is coated
Geographic tongue
Still have some pimples and a bit of a rash on forehead along hairline
Dry hands

Emotionally
Wow, I woke up feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the food issues. I couldn't sleep and no one else was up so I was just lying there thinking. I was thinking about the food that I wanted. I wanted pasta, pizza...heavy foods. Foods that would "fill me up." I didn't want anything light like a salad, that wouldn't do me any good.

I started wondering why do I want these things. Why do I need to be filled up? I went into the other room and I wrote the following down"

What would happen if I were empty?
I would be all alone.
Then what?
I would be scared.
Then what?
I would cry.
Then what?
I would be weak.
Then what?
I wouldn't be good enough.
Then what?
No one would love me.
Then what?
I would be worthless.
Then what?
I would shrivel up and die.
Then what?
I would start again with the same issues.
Then what?
I would cycle through the whole thing again.
Then what?
I would figure out that I was never empty, never alone. I was always good enough, always perfect.
Then what?
I would love me.

It seems so simple when I write it out on paper. The awareness of it is screaming out at me. It is so obvious that I can't look to anyone or anything to fill me up, to make me feel good about myself or to love me. I have the power myself. If only I could remember it more often. I will!

When my hubby woke up I started to tell him how hard it was to do this juice feast while on vacation and how my vacations revolve around food. I wanted to be honest because I felt this huge expectation mostly from myself but also from him that vacations are supposed to be fun and I was working through a crap load of sh*t. I began crying as I talked and I was able to empty out.

Later, he pulled me aside and wanted to tell me that he had been thinking about what I said about my ideas around vacation and food. He said that the more he thought about it the more he could relate to what I was saying. He said that he is always amazed that when we go on vacation with my family it revolves so much around food. He gave me some examples with my mom and my dad. It was so great to have his point of view to help me see it.

It occurred to me that my issues with food and vacations are very closely related to my mom's (um, ok, they are the same). I also realized that for me sitting around a restaurant table was associated with love and attention. When I spent time with my parents it was usually at a restaurant table. I know that isn't the usual thing you hear but I grew up in a restaurant family. We ate out every day and if it wasn't someone else's restaurant it was our restaurant. There are a lot of ties there.

So good for me for dealing with it and simply becoming aware of it. Good for me for having a husband who is so willing to help me through this. Every day is a new step in the right direction and some are even new leaps.

Cravings
Again, I was just craving heavy, filling food. I told my husband that I know I am not ready to come off this feast because I know if I did I would be gorging myself with anything and everything in sight. Not quite healthy just yet.

Trash Bag Tango
None

Meditation
None

Ramblings
In the quiet times today I was reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I have been slowly getting through it and I can't rave about it enough. I feel like I am highlighting the entire book. It is just so fantastic to learn more about things I have been exposed to in the past. It is also great to look at the ego in a different way.

I took a course through The Journey called No Ego. It was life changing for me to see how the different types of egos show up and to realize that they are all roads to unhappiness. This book is weaving its way through some of the same material but from a different direction. It is so powerful.

Day 12

Photo by Robokow on Flickr

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
Orange, Spinach
5 oranges, 1/2 lb spinach
yum!

Cucumber, Apple, Kale, Romaine, Ginger
1 cucumber, 1 apple, 3 kale leaves, 1 head romaine, 1 inch ginger
Good.

Pineapple, Spinach, Celery, Mint
1/2 small pineapple, 1/2 pound spinach, 1/2 head celery, handful mint
Ooooooh I looooove pineapple and mint. Delish!

Swiss Chard, celery, carrot, red pepper, garlic, green onion cilantro, hemp oil, kelp
2 stalks Swiss chard, 1/2 head celery, 4 oz carrots, 1/2 red pepper, 1 clove garlic, 1 green onion
Spicy! It was good though.

I am trying to figure out why this particular juice keeps separating. I have tried it without the carrot and without the tomato but I still find crunchy chunks in the bottom and have to throw it away. I will keep trying.

Weight
Starting 173.5
Today

Sleep
hours 7 hours

Exercise
Five Tibetans

Physically
I feel good. I woke up feeling groggy and fuzzy but it lifted and then I felt good.

Positive changes
Skin looks good
I smell like celery instead of B.O.
I look more vibrant
Thinking has cleared a bit

Detox
Coated tongue
Hands are dry
Mucus in throat
Clear, fluid filled bump is back on my lip
I'm freezing

Cravings
Oh baby, bring 'em on! I was hit with a big one today! I went grocery shopping today at my Italian grocery store and when I walked in the door I was overwhelmed with the smell of Italian food! Oh the horror of it! It is my absolute favorite food on the planet. I love Italian food!

I did pretty good while shopping and then I was in the check out line and I started wondering why I have this attachment to Italian food. I wasn't really clear on what I was thinking but it brought up a big surge of emotion in me and I almost started to cry right there in the line.

Emotionally
When I got home from shopping I sat down and did a Journey process. Finally after 12 days I got my Journey in. I focused on the lure of Italian food and I was shocked at the power of the emotion that came up.

I went back to a memory of when I was a child and this deep loneliness and sadness came up. I went through the entire process and emptied out all the feelings of unworthiness, loneliness, emptiness that I had with the people in the memory and I was able to forgive everyone completely, including myself.

When I went to free myself of the attachment to this food I was surprised that I couldn't do it. When I looked deeper I realized that I had a strong belief around this food. Here is what came out; This food is my love. Wow, so powerful. How could I give up something that is my love? Well, I did a quick belief change and replaced it with a new belief that I am my love. That did the trick and I was free.

I can't tell you how powerful this process can be. It has freed me of so much emotional baggage over the past 2 years and now it is helping release my addiction to food. It is simply amazing.

Trash Bag Tango
I cleaned out a drawer in my kitchen.

Meditation
15 minutes listening to the Moola Mantra

Ramblings
I realized this morning that I didn't have my son's reality store this week. It is next week. It's so funny because I have this huge dry erase board on my wall that I sectioned off into a weekly calendar. It has a spot for each person in the family for each day of the week. I am so good about keeping it up to date so that everyone knows what is going on. It is only as good as my calendar though. If I write the wrong date on the yearly calendar then I end up doing stuff like this. Hee hee. Oh well, no harm no foul.

My mom is coming tomorrow night to watch the kids so my husband and I can go out. It is so funny because we are both at a loss for what we should do. We can't go out to eat. I am not sure I am up to being in a movie theater with popcorn! One addiction at a time thank you very much. We can't go to a bar, it's freezing outside so we can't take a nice walk or anything. We really have no idea. Any suggestions?