Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Day 22

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
1 quart spinach, orange celery

8 oz strawberry, orange

1 quart romaine, celery, cucumber, tomato, cilantro, garlic, onion, broccoli, hemp oil, kelp
Spicy, I put in extra garlic. Whew!

1 quart kale, celery, cucumber, pear, mint, spinach

1 quart romaine, celery, tomato, cucumber, orange pepper, turmeric, kelp

Starting 173.5
Today No scale

9.5 hours

80 minutes walking


I woke up feeling OK and felt better as the day went on . I had a lot of fun with the kids and my hubby. I had my first official normal sized bowel movement without an enema. I was so happy and thanked my body. I never thought I would thank my body for taking a sh*t. :o)

Positive changes
Skin on body is nice
Pants getting loose
Face is beginning to look better. I have more of a glow again.

Tongue is coated
Geographic tongue
Still have some pimples and a bit of a rash on forehead along hairline
Dry hands

Wow, I woke up feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the food issues. I couldn't sleep and no one else was up so I was just lying there thinking. I was thinking about the food that I wanted. I wanted pasta, pizza...heavy foods. Foods that would "fill me up." I didn't want anything light like a salad, that wouldn't do me any good.

I started wondering why do I want these things. Why do I need to be filled up? I went into the other room and I wrote the following down"

What would happen if I were empty?
I would be all alone.
Then what?
I would be scared.
Then what?
I would cry.
Then what?
I would be weak.
Then what?
I wouldn't be good enough.
Then what?
No one would love me.
Then what?
I would be worthless.
Then what?
I would shrivel up and die.
Then what?
I would start again with the same issues.
Then what?
I would cycle through the whole thing again.
Then what?
I would figure out that I was never empty, never alone. I was always good enough, always perfect.
Then what?
I would love me.

It seems so simple when I write it out on paper. The awareness of it is screaming out at me. It is so obvious that I can't look to anyone or anything to fill me up, to make me feel good about myself or to love me. I have the power myself. If only I could remember it more often. I will!

When my hubby woke up I started to tell him how hard it was to do this juice feast while on vacation and how my vacations revolve around food. I wanted to be honest because I felt this huge expectation mostly from myself but also from him that vacations are supposed to be fun and I was working through a crap load of sh*t. I began crying as I talked and I was able to empty out.

Later, he pulled me aside and wanted to tell me that he had been thinking about what I said about my ideas around vacation and food. He said that the more he thought about it the more he could relate to what I was saying. He said that he is always amazed that when we go on vacation with my family it revolves so much around food. He gave me some examples with my mom and my dad. It was so great to have his point of view to help me see it.

It occurred to me that my issues with food and vacations are very closely related to my mom's (um, ok, they are the same). I also realized that for me sitting around a restaurant table was associated with love and attention. When I spent time with my parents it was usually at a restaurant table. I know that isn't the usual thing you hear but I grew up in a restaurant family. We ate out every day and if it wasn't someone else's restaurant it was our restaurant. There are a lot of ties there.

So good for me for dealing with it and simply becoming aware of it. Good for me for having a husband who is so willing to help me through this. Every day is a new step in the right direction and some are even new leaps.

Again, I was just craving heavy, filling food. I told my husband that I know I am not ready to come off this feast because I know if I did I would be gorging myself with anything and everything in sight. Not quite healthy just yet.

Trash Bag Tango



In the quiet times today I was reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I have been slowly getting through it and I can't rave about it enough. I feel like I am highlighting the entire book. It is just so fantastic to learn more about things I have been exposed to in the past. It is also great to look at the ego in a different way.

I took a course through The Journey called No Ego. It was life changing for me to see how the different types of egos show up and to realize that they are all roads to unhappiness. This book is weaving its way through some of the same material but from a different direction. It is so powerful.

1 comment:

Hanlie said...

I'm so glad you're back! I've missed you!

You have been through so much these last few days. I find myself nodding at a lot of what you're saying - I know for a fact that my junk food addiction is still alive and well and just lurking under the surface. If I were to stop feasting now, I'd eat my body weight in junk food in a flash! I'm at the same time repulsed and entranced by the idea!

I applaud you for doing all the emotional work. I was telling my colonic therapist about your colonic and she say that it does sometimes happen, and after a big emotional release with lots of crying, one could normally expect a chunk of weight to fly off. I keep wondering when I'm going to start getting emotional!

Your husband seems like a seriously great guy!