Thursday, February 14, 2008

Day 17

Photo by Bitzcelt on Flickr

Juices, Supplements etc. in order of consumption
Bentonite and Psyllium Shake

1 quart orange, spinach, celery
5 oranges, 1/2 lb spinach, 3 stalks celery

1 quart romaine, tomato, cucumber, celery, onion, cilantro, garlic
2 heads romaine, 4 oz tomato, 1/2 cucumber, 7 stalks celery, 1 green onion, 2 handfuls cilantro, 2 garlic cloves

1/2 quart romaine, carrot, cucumber, celery, red pepper, onion, cilantro, garlic
2 heads romaine, 1 lg. carrot, 1 1/2 cucumber, 7 stalks celery, 1/2 red pepper, 1 green onion, 2 handfuls cilantro, 2 cloves garlic

You can see that I only had 2 1/2 quarts today. Not enough. Keep reading if you dare to find out why.

Starting 173.5
Today 163

8 hours

Yoga - sun salutations 10 minutes
Rebounder 5 minutes

I am just too fatigued to do the Five Tibetans. I did some slow gentle stretching in the morning instead.


I feel good even with the fatigue. It's not that I don't have the energy; it's just that my body isn't cooperating with me. I just feel drained.

Positive changes
Skin is soft and smooth
Tummy is flatter
I am beginning to get the glow
Sparkly eyes

Coated tongue
Canker sore
Fluid filled bubble on lower lip still coming and going
Skin on palms and fingers extraordinarily dry and feel like there is crazy glue on them

I had a good day emotionally up until about 5:00. I will explain down in the ramblings.

I was craving food today. Nothing in particular, just food. I wanted that cozy, full feeling in my tummy all day. I wanted something warm and comforting to fill me up. I even tried to have a cup of tea. It didn't work.

I read something on Phillip's blog that I want to share with you. I think it is so direct, to the point and profound.

One of the most common comments I hear this time of year is:

Don’t you miss warm foods in the winter?
I need hot soup to keep me warm.
I could never be raw in the winter.

Umm…. since when has food had so many responsibilities?

We want food to comfort us when we are depressed.
We want food to be our friend when we are alone.
We want food to cheer us up when we are sad.
We want food to entertain us when we are bored.
We want food to party with us when we are happy.
We want food to warm us up when we are cold.

It’s all a lie!

Food only has one responsibility, to nourish and heal us. That’s it…. anything else is a bonus.

Yes… you can make it pleasing to the eye.
Yes… you can make it tasty for your palette.
Yes… you can put your love into creating it.

That’s all real, and all good.
Just don’t get it twisted. If you are replacing dealing with an emotion, with food… you are doing yourself a disservice.

Lets take responsibility and own what is really ours.

Let us be free to experience the emotion, let it flow and let it go, and be the overcomers that we were all born to be!

I can see the truth in those words and that is exactly where I want to be. I want to release my need for food to "fill me up," to soothe and comfort me. I see the connection and I truly believe that I have the ability to get there.

Trash Bag Tango
I went through my 5 and 7 year olds' shirts and got rid of a bunch that they don't wear anymore, are too small or look like they have been dragged behind a semi across the country.

None again. Hmmm, I don't know why I haven't been fitting this is in.

So, I am warning you, what I am about to write is NOT a normal story that the majority of people will tell you. It is however MY story, so in an effort to be real and true I am sharing it with you. It is a bit uncomfortable but I am doing it anyway.

I had my first colonic today. I was very excited about the prospect of getting some help with my digestion issues and have been waiting a week to get over there.

For those of you who have never had a colonic, it is a machine that puts water into the colon and then removes it. It is very gentle and not really uncomfortable. Now, as you all know who have been taking this juice feasting journey with me, I have had some digestive issues. So I was prepared for anything physically to happen once we got started. Physically, I had a bit of nausea as the water was coming out. It felt a bit like when I have had diarrhea in the past. Just a little bit of a sick feeling. It wasn't horrible and I could definitely deal with it no problem.

I found out that I have little to no peristalsis in my colon. I had a feeling. She told me to take B5 to help increase it. It is also good for stress, bruxism, nervous conditions, alcoholism, joint pain, joint stiffness, adrenal support, allergies, constipation and fatigue. She also suggested digestive enzymes taken with meals because she could see that I am having trouble digesting my food. She also suggested a parasite cleanse. She asked me if I had animals in the house and said she suggests that anyone with animals in their house do a parasite cleanse once a year. Eeeeeww, I didn't ask any more about that. I know that the juice feasting protocol includes a parasite cleanse so I will just hold off on learning anymore about it.

What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional state I found myself in. I was lying in there and feeling increasingly emotional. When I felt like I couldn't hold it back anymore I let the woman know how I was feeling. She said that the gut holds onto a lot of emotion and that I should just let it come and not worry about it. In hindsight I wonder if she regrets that comment. :o)

Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't really stop it. After a bit of this I told her that it was really strange because I felt like a little kid lying there. She asked me what age and I told her I wasn't sure, maybe 5. She asked me if I felt safe. I said yes and then she asked if my 5 year old self felt safe and I knew the answer was no. At that, I began a full out crying spell. It felt like the floodgates were opened (hence today's choice of photographs).

She brought me over a teddy bear and had me talk to it as if it were my 5 year old self. She had me tell it that she was safe and other comforting things. It felt very strange doing all of this in front of a complete stranger but there was no way I was able to keep it all in. Pretty much I cried through about 30 minutes of it, probably more.

When we finished up I went into the bathroom and continued to cry. I got myself together and went back out into the room. She was there and asked how I felt. I told her I was weak and felt pretty bad. She came and gave me a hug and you would have thought she opened up the dam. I completely lost it and started sobbing like a little kid. She held me for a while and I tried to gather myself, I felt rather embarrassed by the whole thing. I laughed and said, "They don't tell you about this when they tell you about getting a colonic." Her reply was, "That's because this isn't something that normally happens." That made me cry even more. I felt like some kind of weirdo.

She was really good about it and said she thought I was there for more than just a colonic and offered to do an quick energy balance on me (Reiki). I said yes of course and we went into the massage room where I kept right on crying. As she began the energy work I could feel myself unwind a bit. I became more centered and calmed down enough to get out of there and drive myself home.

Once home I got right into bed (it was 7:30). My hubby came to snuggle with me and once I started telling him what happened I started crying again. I cried and cried lying there in his arms for what felt like forever. I really couldn't figure out why I was crying, it just felt like this huge release so I let it come. Once I calmed down again I was just so tired that I lied there and fell asleep.

Ever since I was a little girl I have known that when I got scared, nervous or upset I felt it in my stomach. Throughout much of my childhood I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I guess I learned to shut it down a long time ago and the process of releasing it physically also released it emotionally. While it was a bit rough to get through I know that this is part of my journey to vibrant health and I am so grateful for the opportunity to let go of all of it, whatever it is.

When I was leaving the hydrotherapist's office she suggested that I take more time for myself, that I do more self care. I laughed because since starting this juice feast I feel like I have been doing so much self care that I couldn't imagine doing more. She said she thought a nice warm bath would be good for me too. I told my hubby that I might just have to move into the bathroom soon.


Hanlie said...

As I read this, my heart went out to you. What a cleansing experience. We forget to cry and we do store our emotions.

I once attended a talk by a recovered anorexic who said that during her recovery she spent a week crying. She just lay in bed crying.

This is healing... Embrace it! Letting go is hard, but necessary.

Thinking of you!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Michelle,
I'm so glad you shared this story. It was moving to read and I really relate, having experienced similarly intense old emotions that felt inappropriate and embarrassing when they came rushing out in some unexpected way, but which are of course just part of being human.
I will answer your question on our blog in case others are interested in that too. Thanks for asking!
xo Jill

mangogirl said...

Hi Michelle

That was such a moving story. Thank you so much for sharing