Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Day 73

Photo by Fauto Digit on Flickr

Juices in order of consumption
1 quart spinach, orange, celery

1 shot flax, evening primrose oil

1 quart romaine, celery, tomato, carrot, garlic, onion, kelp, spirulina

1 quart romaine, celery, goji berry, mango, pineapple

Starting 173.5
Today ??

6.5 hours

B5 morning and evening
Enzymes with each juice

1 hour Pilate's class

I am a bit tired today. My stomach feels good and other than that I am good.

Pilate's class was rough for me today. I just couldn't do it. I kept having to stop and rest and I was feeling like a failure. I caught myself and kept trying to boost myself up with positive self talk and being gentle with myself but I just wasn't having it. I had to choke back the tears several times.

When I got home I decided that I was not going to stuff whatever it was that was coming up so I decided to do a brief belief change to clear it out. Midway through it was painfully evident that I was in need of more than just a belief change so I stopped the audio and had a full out process. I was a bit all over the place, doing this and doing that but the results were amazing.

I realized that it was more than just the fact that I felt like a loser and a failure. It was that I was afraid to LOOK like a loser and a failure. I had this fear of it. I addressed the fear with my old friend, "what's the worst that could happen..." and I found myself cycling. I would get to the point where I was feeling confident and then something would come up and I would be back down in fear and failure. It became quite evident that this was a blaring pattern in my life.

Whenever I am just about to succeed at something, I quit or I change gears or whatever. I never see it through. I had this fear of success but it was more than that. I had this deep, inner belief that I wasn't good enough and I didn't deserve success. My dad popped up during this revelation so I did some work to clear out my negative beliefs and I installed a new, positive belief, "I can succeed at anything!." I cut any negative ties to my dad surrounding this issue, had complete forgiveness of my dad, and I forgave myself for blaming him for holding me back.

Once all this was complete I was able to complete the process I started out with and as usual I was left with a sense of peace and appreciation. It always amazes me when I do these processes that the strength of emotion that comes up can be so strong and I can be left feeling as if I have been washed clean.

That isn't to say this will be the only process I have regarding this issue. It may come up for me again from a bit of a different perspective. The cool thing is that I was able to reveal a major negative pattern that has been keeping me stuck and keeping me sabotaging myself.

None - I am not having cravings per se. I am just wanting to eat food. I am tiring of juice a bit. I was telling Lisa that I catch myself singing, "I hate green juice in the morning..." sometimes. I know, it's not good but what can I say, it's true. I am not going to stop with just 19 days left, in fact I still don't have prunes in the house. I almost bought them the other day but then I decided I would wait.

There is nothing else to ramble about tonight. I am just going to go to sleep. Sometimes those big emotional releases can be tiring. Goodnight everyone.


Lisa, aka Pixywinks said...

That's a huge belief you worked through today. I'm very proud of you!!! I love it when I get something cleared emotionally. Another layer off the onion...
Sleep tight.
Pixy Lisa

Hanlie said...

Your journey is so encouraging! I have no idea what's going on with me at the moment. I am just so tired. I've been out like a light by 9 pm the last two nights... Maybe I should have a nap in the afternoons...

Hanlie said...

Ps. I seem to be clearing out a lot of stuff at moment, from the bowels and through the skin. Could be that my body is just concentrating on cleansing...

Penni said...

Big work going on! I see you helping so many people in the future...the fact that you are walking through your own healing now is equipping you to be such a great facilitator and counselor for others. I think these emotional issues and hang ups are our real core areas of being addictions and unhealthy habits are just a symptom of that deeper issue.

Now only 18 days left for you!!

Living Vision said...

Way to go Michelle! WE have some seeming similar patterns and they definitely surface when there is nothing to fall back on - mainly food.

I love your honest bluntness in regards to the green juice. I'm only on day 41 and I've experienced ins and outs of that too.

Thank you for all your support. blessings,