Monday, April 14, 2008

Day 76 and 77

Photo by Rob N Watkins on Flickr


I fell behind on my blogging over the weekend. I went out on Saturday night with my husband and saw the Movie 21. It was nice to get out for a little break. We got home late so I went to bed and didn't post with the intention of posting on Sunday. I can tell you that I had 3 1/2 quarts of juice but I don't remember what they were.

Sunday was a bit of a rough day for me. My mom slept over while watching the kids and we were up in the morning and my oldest son who is 15 started giving me a hard time. He loves to fight with me, argue and generally go against everything I say, think, or do. I would say that is what 15 year old's do but he has been doing it since he was a small boy.

My mom was a little surprised and tried talking to him about it asking him why he was going against me etc. He of course had no answer and my mom finally gave up and left. I of course was left there with him. I was staying pretty calm, trying to focus on myself and not let it get to me. After a bit he went upstairs and things settled down.

I then went on line and checked his grades and it became apparent that he hasn't been doing his school work again and his grades are not good. Now, this is a kid who can get As just by doing his homework. He is smart. I got pretty upset and called him down. I started the conversation in a negative way and then he responded as such. I stopped, apologized for the way I started things, asked him to take a breath with me so we could start things over in a calm way. We were able to do that but things escalated.

In the end we were both responding unconsciously and it was ugly. He said he refused to study and he didn't care and if I didn't leave him alone he would stop going to school altogether. He said he would rather go to jail than to live with me. At this point I called his father (who doesn't live with me) and told him to pick him up.

While waiting for his dad to come we both had a good cry and were able to talk a bit but he left. His dad said he would call me after he talked with him and he never did. I don't know what is going on. I spent the day in my pajamas feeling pretty lousy.

I have a lot of mixed feelings around this. I of course want him to stay here with me and I want him to be happy and if he feels he can't do that here then I don't want to stop him from being with his dad. It is very difficult though so I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I realize that I am having a hard time staying in the present moment with this situation. I am either thinking about it or distracting myself by doing other things. Being conscious is so hard! Being a mom is so hard!

I know I had 4 quarts of juice and I could probably remember what they are if I tried but I don't really care and they are pretty much the same as every other day I have juice :o) Things will get better.

4 comments:

Rediscover Raw Food said...

You are soooo not alone! I went through a rough time with my amazing teenager when she was 16/17. It absolutely did get better. From your account, you handled things pretty well, so just know you did your best. You 2 will get through this and come out on the other side. Look forward to it!

Hanlie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time now. Thinking of you!

Today is Blogger Appreciation Day and I just want to thank you for sharing your journey. You are a great friend and blogger and I really appreciate you!

Penni said...

Michelle....my heart is with you. As the mom of an almost 15 year old, I have great compassion for your predicament. You are right, being a mom is the hardest job and nothing can take the wind out of my sails more than conflict with my child. Being a teenager is such a hard time... I would not want to go back. I know you will have the wisdom and presence of heart to move forward in the best way possible.

All my love,
Penni

Lisa, aka Pixywinks said...

Sorry about the kid trouble. Even tho I don't have any, my 19 yr old nephew lived with me for about 2-1/2 yrs and he still needed some guidance. It was way harder sometimes than I would have thought, and I never knew if I was really doing the right thing. Everything did work out, and he successfully sprouted his wings. You love your kids, and that alone makes you a great mom.
((extra big hugs))
Pixy Lisa